


Expo-sed

by Wizardchester91



Category: Archer (Cartoon)
Genre: Archer being an ass, F/M, How did this become porn, I ship my friends, Lana wants to murder Archer, Lemon, Mission Fic, Sexual Tension, Smut, Weddings
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-20
Updated: 2016-03-20
Packaged: 2018-05-27 20:05:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,250
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6298384
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Wizardchester91/pseuds/Wizardchester91
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Archer and Lana pose as an engaged couple at a wedding expo. What could possibly go wrong?</p>
            </blockquote>





	Expo-sed

"Archer, I swear to god if you don't stop grabbing my ass..." Lana snarled through gritted teeth. Archer smirked and leaned in as though to kiss Lana's neck, whispering in her ear. "Lana...we are supposed to be in love...I am wrapped in the lustful throes of pre-marital bliss..."

She fluttered her eyes, trying not to show him how his lips on her ear and his low, velvet voice still affected her. She kicked herself inwardly as a soft chuckle indicated that he, annoyingly in tune with her body as always, had noticed. 

"Shut up. Don't remind me..although, holy shit this ring your mother loaned me is huge. " she remarked, gazing down at the gorgeous fake engagement ring on her finger.  They walked past a row of limo's parked in a row, advertising different agencies, And archer kissed her hand and smiled that silly boyish smirk. "Right?" He laughed softly. "Maybe when I ask you for real...."

Lana spun and glared at him. "Don't you dare. Ever. I just wanna get done with this stupid mission, which, once again, your mother has us running around doing her screwed up errands. Honestly...a bouquet? WHY does she need a stupid bouquet?" 

He rolled his eyes. "It's not the bouquet we are after, Lana. There's a microchip hidden in one, along with some sort of genetically modified killer flowers or something. Jeeze, I didn't even read the stupid Dossier. How do you not know that?" 

Lana grumbled to herself, realizing that yelling at him would only egg him on. He opened the door for her, a first for him, she remarked, and her jaw hit the floor

"Holy shit," Archer barked beside her. "How much crap do you actually need for a wedding?" The room was a bustling epicenter of white, pastels, glitter...the smell of food wafted in the air. A massive runway ran in the center of the room. 

Lana spun and stared at him. "Seriously? Do i need to remind you that you've had two weddings?"

He paused as though in thought, and for a moment Lana considered punching him. Then his face relaxed into laughter. "Oh yeah...Katya. I wonder how she's doing..." 

Lana grabbed him by the wrist and dragged him into the expo center, trying to look the part of a playful, impatient young bride. He stumbled along behind her, eying the dizzying array of booths. There were photographers, catering, cake samples, hair and makeup people, jewelers...

"Uhhh...Lana? Lana.....Lana. Hey, Lana...." He inhaled, shouting like a child. "LANAAAAAAA!"

She spun around, smiling almost painfully wide. "Yes....sweetie?" The look of fury in her eyes making him flinch. 

"Um....question.... How do we know which flourist has our.... _special_ bouquet.... Um....honey?"

She cursed under her breath. "Shit....we are gonna have to try each one, I guess. Goddamnit Archer if you had-"

"-just read the Dossier. Blah blah blah." He finished, rolling his steel blue eyes and grabbing a sample of a cocktail from a nearby booth for a bartender/catering company. "Hmm...not bad...I would add some vodka to this though." 

Lana rolled her eyes. "And of course, you find a way to drink. WHY do I EVEN bother?" 

He smirked. "Relax...I can't get drunk on  _samples_ Lana...they're like, tiny. I would have to drink like, a thousand of these things. Ok well maybe not that many, but you know what I mean." 

"Just come on." 

He followed, holding her hand, occasionally wrapping an arm around her waist. To be perfectly honest he missed this, being close to her. She had become standoffish and distant, and he kicked himself every day for losing her. God, sometimes he wondered if his mother was right and he really was a good for nothing idiot. 

He grabbed a spring roll off of another cart, brought it to her lips with a smirk. "Just the tip?" He asked laughingly. She grumbled but obliged. "Oh my god....that's...actually really good."  She remarked, swallowing. 

A few booths later, he was waddling behind her, head rested on her shoulder, arms around her waist. Lana paused and attempted to untangle herself from him. His strong chest pressed up against her back was causing her body to tingle, and she needed to get away from him. 

"Archer...goddamnit... Get off..." She hissed. 

He looked at her with mock amazement. "Well if you insist I suppose we can find a bathroom..." A devilish smirk in his eyes and a raised eyebrow accompanied the comment. She was about to tell him where he could stuff that comment when she spotted the symbol they were looking for. 

"Hooray. Now let's get this over with and get out of here." 

Archer gave an impish grin. "But honey...we still havnt decided on a venue yet!" 

Lana cringed. "Don't. Start. Just shut up. Shut up before I shut you up." She spun around, desperately trying to ignore the hand creeping around her waist again. She was on fire, his scent too close to her, Bay Rum and Bourbon and something vaguely minty all layered on top of that heady masculine musk that made her dizzy, and she wanted to finish this mission and be rid of his stupid, gorgeous face, and stupid laugh, and stupid gorgeous blue eyes and stupid.....amazing body...with that stupid perfect ass and stupid arms, all muscular and tan and....

"Uh....Lana?"

She blinked and realised that she had been staring at him. "Huh? What?" 

"You were staring like you wanted to either eat me or fuck me." 

She rolled her eyes, attempting to recover herself."Get over yourself, Archer. Not every woman wants to sleep with you. I uh, saw a potential intercept." Her voice cracked, betraying her thoughts. 

He smirked, grabbed her face, and pulled her into a kiss. It was deep and romantic, and she couldn't deny, he was incredible at kissing. His lips, soft and gentle moved in time with hers, pushing and pulling, his tongue sliding into her mouth with soft moans, sucking on her tongue, probing, and then it was over and he was pulling away, leaving her dizzy and weightless and  _wanting._ She wanted to slap him, but she was supposed to be engaged to this man who could make her ruin her $50 Fiacci panties with a single kiss, God damn him. God  _DAMN_ him. She hated how well he knew her body, how easily he got her wet. 

He smiled smugly. "The mission, Lana?" 

"Ya know...." She growled, but spun on her heels and headed toward the booth they had been looking for. A old German man stood behind the booth. 

"Ah! A beautiful couple! Tell me, vaht are your colors? I make bouquet perfect for you! Vaghterfall, classic Ball, all type!" 

Lana leaned over the table, jumping a little as Archer slid his hand over her ass, his fingers discreetly slipping beneath the hem of her skirt. She bit her lip, swallowing a moan as he stood behind her, his hip pressed into her thigh, and she felt him harden against her leg, his fingers brushing against her slick entrance, just barely teasing her, the quiet, husky laugh behind her proof that the asshole knew exactly what he was doing to her. God DAMN him. 

"We are looking for something.... Unique...with ISIS, I mean, Iris, flowers? Anything like that? Hmm?" She purred, trying to ignore Archer's ministrations to her already soaking wet panties. Recognition flicked across the man's face. 

"Ah. I have just the thing, is set aside. One moment, Mrs.Archer." he hurried away and lana stood quickly, breathless, staring Daggers at Archer. "I'm going to kill you. I will tell your miserable mother you choked to death on a stupid chocolate covered strawberry, and no one will know any different." 

His eyes were darkened with lust, almost the shade of sapphires. The rather sizable bulge at the crotch of his pants drew her eyes downward.  _Holy shit, did it get bigger?_  He kissed along her neck and wove his fingers in her hair, causing her to flutter her eyes,before whispering roughly in her ear in a voice that made her knees weak and her clit spasm, "Lana.... That's bullshit and you know it. I can see how turned on you are..I mean, seriously, you have a swimming pool for a vagina right now...we can get the stupid bouquet and find a bathroom...and then, I can fuck you, make you scream my name...I know you want it..." she bit her lip to stave off a moan as another burst of moisture dripped down her thighs. Goddamnit he had her, he knew he did too...that sly, sneaky, sexy bastard....

 Right as she was about to let him have her the old man spoke again. "Here...especially make for you." He said, handing her a box with a bouquet in it. "Be careful. Keep cold until day of using." 

As soon as they left the booth Lana grabbed Archer's wrist. "Bathroom. Now." She growled, dragging him cheerfully behind her, giggling like a school boy. They crashed together as soon as they stepped through the bathroom door, her moaning softly against his lips as she tugged at his hair, making him growl and dig his fingernails into her shoulder. God she loved it when he played rough. Their tongues danced together in a battle for dominance, and they slammed into the stall door with a grunt.

"Oh God...Archer....please..." She gasped as his mouth latched onto that one spot on her neck, fumbling with the latch on the stall door, and then she was tearing his shirt off, drawing out little gasps and moans as she kissed and licked his chest, his hands sliding up her ribs to Palm her breasts, and God damn that thing he did with her nipples was incredible, she moaned and arched her back as his mouth wrapped around a breast, his hand gliding down her stomach and flicking her clit and oh my god she had forgotten how he was so good at this. 

"Oh....fuck....Lana your tits are amazing..."

She slid a hand down his pants, delightedly watching his breath hitch and his eyes roll back as she gripped his swollen cock. 

"Less talking, more fucking, asshole." She practically growled. 

He gave a grunt of agreeance and slid two fingers inside her, fast and rough, curling them and causing her to moan and shudder. Her own fingers were wrapped around his length, pulling him free of his pants, all eight and a half, very girthy inches of him, and he moaned and panted against her neck as he added two more fingers, juices literally dripping onto the floor as he pulsed and twitched in her hand. He was thrusting into her hand, moaning nonsensical half sentences;

_"oh my god...unh...Lana...letmefuckyou...oh pplease...I wanna make you cum....godyoufeelsogood....Lana...ah....ffffuck....don't stop...holy shit don't stop...._

It was driving her crazy, between his fingers sliding in and out of her and his thumb expertly pressing on her clit and his voice, and suddenly she arched her back, rocking against his hand, his mouth and tongue stifling her cries as she came...yelping and whimpering his name.

" OH FUCK... Archer..  ahhh..I'm..I'm..cummingahhhhh!"

He roughly spun her around before she was finished pulsing, his thick hard cock slamming into her as he pulled her tightly against him, moaning and panting with each thrust.

"Oh,God...Lana..fuck....you....are...ah..amazing... Fuck....uhhh....." He growled and thrust hard and fast, making her yelp with each thrust and holy shit did he somehow get even better in bed because, WOW....and then his thrusts were shorter and sharper and he was chanting her name like a mantra.

"Fuck...Lana...Lana...ohhh....fuuuuuuuck...I'm gonna...Lana...ah...I'm cummming....ohmygodLANA!" He gasped out, jerking his hips forward with a grunt and digging his fingers into her hips, head thrown back, eyes squeezed shut and biting his lip in extacy, spilling deep inside her as she came again, clenching around him as he continued thrusting for a moment before collapsing against her, both of them clinging to each other attempting to catch their breath and remain standing upright. 

"Holy shit....that was..." He panted.

"Right? And....um...did you get  _bigger?"_ she replied. "I seriously don't remember your dick being that big." 

He looked down. "Um...I dunno...I don't think so...can that even happen?" 

They both chuckled and sighed, leaning on each other in comfort.

After a moment they collected themselves, Archer playfully teasing her about the stains on her boots, and how apparently weddings turned her on, and she could focus on that, on how much she hated him and his stupid jokes, rather than on how generous he had been this time, or how she missed spending time with him like this, or how in all honesty she did actually care about him and miss him. No, she would let herself be annoyed at him, she would roll her eyes and cross her arms and threaten him, even when she saw the confusion in his eyes as to what  he'd done wrong, why she was pushing him away again. Because dealing with emotions for him was just. No. She refused. One round of great sex was not enough to convince her to try again with him. Was it?


End file.
